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You are innately well - you always have been and always will be. If you're not experiencing wellness, you are innocently lost in a thick fog of thought. I can help you cut through the fog to reconnect with the peace of mind, clarity and confidence that are already within you.

I help women suffering from bulimia and binge eating disorder, using an amazingly effective, easy, brilliant new brain-based approach. You don't have to suffer any longer.

The people I work with are smarter than your average bear. They are resourceful, bright, successful people.

resourceful

The other day, a man I find especially bright and resourceful (if I had a question about anything I’d ask this guy, knowing he could find the answer in a flash), told me he was looking for a way to avoid social situations where he is left feelingly badly.

He often felt blindsided by what other people did in relationships. He’d expect one thing from them and they’d give him something else. He was left feeling confused and vulnerable, wanting to protect himself from future hurt.

I can certainly understand that.

To protect himself, his solution was to avoid those situations. He wanted to know how he could either remind himself that people are not as nice as they seem, or remove himself completely from situations where he might feel a punch in the gut from someone else’s actions.

And I wondered…don’t you (Mr. Resourceful!) think that if there was a way to avoid those situations, you would have found it in 40-some years of trying?  If you, of all people, haven’t figured it out by now, maybe you’re barking up the wrong tree.

People do what they do and we will never, ever be able to accurately predict or avoid it.

And it truly does not matter.

The frustration of being blindsided or emotionally wrecked by what other people do is not solved by rearranging the outside world to better protect you. That’s impossible. Even trying will wear you down.

The frustration comes not from what other people do, but from a very simply and innocent misunderstanding.

The misunderstanding is the belief that we are unavoidably victims of our surroundings. That what they do has an immutable effect on us. That our best bet is to avoid people altogether, or  learn how to cope better with the emotional aftermath.

But avoiding people isn’t possible. Predicting their behavior isn’t possible. And coping with the aftermath falls short.

The actual fix for that simple misunderstanding? Well, understanding, of course.

Understanding that the way we experience what other people do is up for grabs. That doesn’t mean we won’t experience hurt; it means we begin to see that the hurt is coming from how we’re seeing it and that how we’re seeing it is not our fault, it’s simply how we’re seeing it.

Understanding that the punch in the gut feeling we feel when they do what they do doesn’t have to be so bad. It is thought-created, as all feelings are, and it fades quite quickly when we don’t entertain thoughts that keep it alive.

Understanding that we don’t necessarily need to do anything about the pain we feel. Insightfully seeing it as thought in action and waiting for it to pass is more than enough. When we don’t tell stories about what it means, or jump into action trying to fix or avoid it, or prolong it with continued analysis, it ends.

Perhaps most of all, understanding that the fact that our experience is always inside-out, coming from our thinking only, does not mean we don’t feel hurt. The fact that we’re always feeling our thinking says absolutely nothing about how we ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t feel. It’s an understanding only, not a directive to feel differently. The more we see how the human mind works, the more quickly we’re bounced back to a better-feeling place.

Notice when you feel compelled to rearrange the outside world. You are not inevitably harmed by anything that happens out there. When you see that, you can leave the world as it is and have faith that you will always recover from whatever is thrown at you.

(Originally posted in January, 2014)

Not unlike most dogs, my dog Buddha is petrified of fireworks.  buddha

Unfortunately for Buddha, our little corner of the world (maybe also not unlike your corner of the world) is positively cuckoo for fireworks. The past couple of weeks have been rough on her. (That’s her in the picture on the right, in happier days).

The night of July fourth, my family sat around our backyard fire pit roasting marshmallows and enjoying for free the multiple fireworks displays our neighbors paid thousands of dollars to put on (suckers!).

It sounded like a war zone. Because she couldn’t bear to be in the house alone, Buddha was outside on my lap, in the thick of it all.

Huge blasts randomly going off in all directions, and little Buddha with absolutely no understanding of what it was all about.

At one point, as she dug her nails into my lap and scrambled to get more nuzzled in than she could possibly get, I heard myself say this to her: “It’s okay Buddha. You have no idea how safe you really are.”

That little comment made me think of how true that is for all of us when we’re sitting in the middle of what we can only see as a war zone, digging our nails in to what smells familiar.

I’m quite confident there is some bigger force with a vision far wiser and wider than ours, telling us all the exact same thing when we’re in a panic. You have no idea how safe you really are.

When we perceive our world crumbling down around us, we’re just like Buddha. It looks like all hell is breaking loose but we’re only living in a misunderstanding, viewing one tiny, biased speck of the world and assuming we are seeing the big picture.  We have no idea how safe we really are.

Watching Buddha jump and scramble and hide reminded me of myself.  Her mind appeared to work the same way mine does, feeling discomfort and rushing to make some change in the outside world that will make everything better.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed with work I fantasize about becoming a vagabond (or giving up my business to work at Applebee’s). When I’m frustrated with my kids, I try to get them to be quiet. When I’m upset with my husband, I tell him what to do differently next time.

And those things never make me feel better because none of them are the source of my feelings.

I have no idea how safe I am. When I feel overwhelm, frustration, or upset I am perfectly okay. My okay-ness can’t and won’t come from rearranging the outside world, just like Buddha’s safety didn’t come from nuzzling or digging in or hiding.

She was safe without those things, she just didn’t know it. We are all safe without the things we scramble to use for protection.

One hundred percent of the intense fear Buddha was feeling came not from the noise, but from the fact that she couldn’t see the truth of the situation.

That’s true for your fear, and mine too. All of that outside noise looks like it can hurt us, but we have no idea how safe we really are.

My Interview on Psychology, Spirituality, Bad Moods, and Finding Your Way

July 10, 2014

I was interviewed last week by my friend Lisa Esile (you know her…she’s the one who wrote that really cool piece about her year of silence that I shared with you a couple weeks ago). Anyway, Lisa teaches and writes about very similar things that I teach and write about. We have a lot in […]

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Where Advice Falls Short

July 3, 2014

Have you ever wondered why we’re so set on taking advice from others?   When we ask someone else what they think or what they would do, we get their wisdom, their perspective, and a plan of action that would work for them. We do not always get wisdom, perspective, or a plan of action that […]

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Problems Don’t Have Roots

June 26, 2014

Problems don’t have roots.  They aren’t deep-seated. Just the opposite is true, actually. Any and all problems you might have are—relatively speaking–quite shallow. They are right there on the surface, created by (and existing completely within) the current moment in which you experience them. When the thought that brought those problems to the surface fades—as […]

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A Super Entertaining Story about Silence and Peace

June 19, 2014

I’d really love it if you’d read this hilarious and entertaining article.     My friend Lisa wrote it about her year of silence. Her year of silence was a long time ago, but as you can imagine, spending a year in silence is kind of a big deal in one’s life. So it took […]

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Do You Think You’re in Denial?

June 12, 2014

The concept of denial is a somewhat unfortunate one. Not because people don’t sometimes push things they don’t want to face out of their awareness. They surely do.  But because we innocently use the concept of denial to make our mental health look like a problem. When you’re not suffering to the degree you think […]

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10 Big Ideas About Ending Habits and Addictions

June 5, 2014

Everyone I’ve ever met has had some habit or addiction they’d like to kick for good. And nearly everyone I’ve ever met has lots of opinions on how to do that.  The 10 big ideas that follow are adaptations from the latest cutting-edge neuroscience research and some very powerful spiritual principles. This is the approach that […]

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Why Your Problems Are not Nearly as Permanent as They Seem

May 29, 2014

“When we…go back into the past and rake up all the troubles we’ve had, we end up reeling and staggering through life. Stability and peace of mind come by living in the moment.” ~Pam Vredevelt There is a way in which we tend to view issues in our lives that makes it seem like the issue is […]

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How even your Bad Habit and Addictions are Signs of your Mental Health

May 22, 2014

If you look, I bet you’ll see that practically everything humans do is an attempt to feel good. I view that as an unmistakable sign of our inclination toward mental health. We clearly have a bend toward thriving…what could be healthier than that? But just because everything we do seems like our best option for […]

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