In the last post about being complaint-free, I mentioned that it was pretty easy for me with one small exception. Here it is.
I’m pretty good at not complaining about other people or circumstances. Yes, I feel frustration at circumstances and notice unflattering things about others, but when I notice those thoughts I do my best to not engage with them. I don’t invite them out to play. (Although this may seem “nice”, it’s purely selfish. Remember, the whole guiding principle here is me feeling good). Instead of interacting with those thoughts, saying them aloud, or sharing them with others, I just try shift to something else.
But where I really continue to do my work is in self-criticism.
Of course, self-criticism is part of the Complaint-Free Contract. The reason I’m not so great at this piece is not because I don’t love or accept myself. I do.
It’s not because I’m a perfectionist (although I am, but in recovery) or because I hold myself to unreasonably high standards.
I’m actually not sure why it was so much easier for me to cut out criticizing others than to cut out criticizing myself. But I’ve seen this tendency in clients too, and I have a couple theories:
1) Fear of letting ourselves off the hook
We tend to think that if we stop noticing what’s wrong, it’ll get out of hand. Like monitoring our flaws helps keep them in check. Like constantly noting our faults motivates us to be better. Hmm, think about that one. Cutting ourselves down is motivating. Right.
This is diet mentality (in case y’all don’t know, strict diets don’t work, people. They make you gain weight and hate yourself. But that’s for another time…). Anyway, diet mentality is thinking you must be very, very mean and very, very strict with yourself to get what you want. No pain, no gain and all that B.S. When it’s suggested that you eat whatever you want without deprivation people say, “if I did that I’d eat nothing but ice cream and nachos and I’d be as big as a house”. No, you wouldn’t. It’s been studied dozens of times and you wouldn’t do it. Even 5 year olds don’t do it for more than a day or two. Because it doesn’t feel good.
If we totally accept ourselves as we are, then what? What if you totally accepted yourself exactly as you are? Think about it and look at what issues and fears come up for you. It’s triggering years of blog material for me…
2) Our brand of self-criticism is a welcome distraction from the bigger stuff
Chances are, we aren’t constantly focusing on our huge, darkest fears about ourselves (e.g., am I a horrible person? a terrible mother? Am I going to end up a bag lady? etc.). Most of us just aren’t that masochistic. Instead we’re focused on how we have flabby arms or don’t have the right job title at work—enough to make us feel bad, but relatively minor in the big picture. Could focusing on our little flaws be a convenient way to avoid facing our real fears?
Martha Beck once wrote an article about how we each have a “designated issue”. It’s the one thing that seems to stick around forever no matter how much personal development work we do. Some people just always have money issues. For others, relationships are their sticking point. For a lot of people it’s their weight. Our designated issue is something that sucks, but not as bad as what it’s covering for. Although we think we want it “solved”, if it were to go away forever we’d be forced to face what’s underneath. Not pretty.
Do you find it easier to stop complaining about others than to stop complaining about yourself? Send me your theories; I’d love to hear them.
