My own coach has asked me to sign her Complaint-Free Contract. I’ve pledged to not complain, criticize, gossip, or whine for 49 days. I’m on day 12.
How does that sound to you? No problem? Or mission impossible?
For the most part, not complaining has been pretty easy (except for one loophole, which I’ll address in a later post). Easy or not, the practice has brought to the surface a lot of interesting stuff I plan to blog about in the coming weeks.
Today I’d like to share a few ways that I got to this place of finding it natural to not complain. If you’re still holding regular bitch-fests, I think this could be helpful to you.
Before I do that though, I have to acknowledge that one of my issues is totally coming up. Since the whole point of this blog is for you to find your own peace through my thoughts, shitty experiences, and issues, I’m going to let you in on the whole messy process here. If you just want to get to the meat of how to easily not complain, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs.
One of my big issues is about looking snobby or sounding like I’m bragging. This goes back to the school bus and some oh-so-cool Jordache jeans in the mid 80’s, but that’s a story for another time. Actually, it probably goes back further than that. I was raised with the Who-Do-You-Think-You-Are mentality that many of you probably know. Something about getting too big for your britches…the fact that no one under the age of 100 says britches should prove that this is one of those beliefs blindly passed down through the ages, never examined or questioned or chosen. As if it’s a bad thing to know that you’re wonderful. I’m getting off track…
And there’s a lot more to my issue, because there always is. Being too confident, or too educated, too different than everyone else, too “big” in any way = I'm-a-snob = not good at all.
So anyway, this is triggering a fear of sounding holier than thou. And by thou, I mean you. I’m not holier than you. We’re all equally holy by virtue of being human, I’ve just experienced some things you may not have and vice versa. Okay, end of diversion.
Back to the topic: How did it come to be relatively easy for me to not complain?
A few things to keep in mind:
1. It hasn’t always been this way. Like many of you, I come from a family where complaining is a form of bonding and our primary mode of communication. Look for this in your own family, especially with older generations. Does the conversation naturally go to what’s wrong—who’s out of work, which politicians are most crooked, how many people were murdered yesterday (well, I’m from Detroit). Do you find unity in discussing how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket? (End of old-school clichés, promise). Point is, I am no born Pollyanna. Far, far from it.
2. I signed this particular contract 12 days ago but I’ve actually been working on this stuff for a while. About 3 years. It’s been a process. If this is new to you and something you might like to practice, keep that in mind. It can change your life very quickly, but it can be a while before it feels easy or natural. Rewiring your brain takes time.
3. Just because I don’t complain or criticize much doesn’t mean that I’m always happy. I have my issues. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this. Yeah, I’m still worried about the snobby thing. I'm working on it.
A few years ago I consciously chose to shift away from focusing on what I didn’t want and what didn’t feel good. I didn’t even think about shifting to what does feel good, I just started with moving away from what felt crappy. You’d think this would be natural. Not so much. It meant a lot of changes; some small, some big. Here are a few, in that order:
- No more watching the news or following politics. I’m ridiculously out of touch with current events. It just doesn’t feel good to pay attention and feeling good is the guiding principle. I can’t believe how low my tolerance is now. When I accidentally catch part of The Today Show (waiting for local weather), it’s enough to put me into a major depression.
- I avoid Women’s or gossip magazines/websites and can’t believe I used to read that stuff. The Women’s mags are the worst—you know the kind, with 100 ways to lose 10 lbs this week and 101 ways to be better in bed. I never realized how shitty they made me feel about myself until I completely cut them out.
- I don’t watch movies or television shows that are depressing or violent. Do what you want, but I realized that for me, it just doesn’t feel good to watch people being hurt.
- I stay away from negative people. This makes me look extremely rude when I smile and walk away mid-sentence, which I definitely do. I had to face the fact that I’d rather be rude and happy than polite and miserable. And it definitely puts a strain on the fitting in thing. By refusing to talk about negative things there are a lot of people I don’t fit in with. I’ve ended friendships and have had to do my own work around the fear of ending up alone. But I'm not going to be miserable just for the sake of being like everyone else.
- Most of all, I monitor the hell out of my thoughts and emotions. I am AWARE and being aware sucks sometimes. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s the first necessary step toward change. When I notice that I feel bad, I look for the cause. If it’s not easy to find, I just move all over until I hit a spot that feels better. It looks kind of like avoiding a swarm of bees.
These changes were very personal and based on avoiding what made me feel bad. If following celebrity gossip feels good to you, by all means keep doing it. But don’t just assume it feels good if you've never questioned it. Become aware of what’s going on in your body when you hear it. Get scientific about it and really study your thoughts and emotions afterward. Then consciously decide for yourself how it makes you feel.
What has been the impact of these changes? I feel a lot better. Obvious, but worth stating.
I rarely launch into complaint or criticism and when I do, it doesn’t happen without my consent. In other words, when I do it I am aware—I know I’m doing it and I can chose to either shift away from the negative or keep going with it, but it’s my choice.
People don’t really complain to me anymore. They caught on pretty quickly that I’m just not interested in those conversations.
By feeling better and focusing on what I want, I’ve experienced much more of what I want in my life. I’ve created some pretty cool things, actually.
In many ways I don’t even recognize myself from 3 years ago. In other ways, I’m very much a work in progress and can easily get down on myself for still struggling with some of the same issues. There’s no final destination.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with complaining, trying not to complain, changes you’ve made to shift away from negativity, snobbery, or Jordache jeans. If you’re interested in trying out the Complaint-Free Contract, let me know and I’ll send you a copy of Christine’s that you can print and sign yourself.
