The worry was around getting pregnant again. Or more accurately, the fear of not getting pregnant again. The self-judgment came from falling into an old pattern I thought I had moved past. I relapsed–it happens. And although I wouldn’t judge others for it, I was judging the hell out of myself.
After doing my own self-coaching for a while, I asked the small, still voice inside of me what I might do to feel better. I call that voice Angela because I asked her once what her name was and that’s what I heard. Yeah, I realize I probably just lost half my readers with that little nugget of honesty.
Anyway, Angela said that I could feel better by getting wordless. I was too verbal, too in my head, and could benefit from some silence. So I took my baby for a long walk.
As we set out, I set an intention for the walk: I intend to receive a sign that helps me get out of this funk today.
I end all of my intentions with: “This or something better for the greatest good of all involved”, because I want to acknowledge that my intentions are set from my limited perspective and what I really want may not be what I think I want. What I ultimately, always want is the greatest good for all involved.
And then I say, “Thanks, I quit.” I got this part from Martha Beck’s book Steering by Starlight. It’s a reminder that we don’t need to beg or ask repeatedly or send out reminders for our intentions. Asking once, trusting that it’s taken care of, and then dropping it is best.
I walked wordless for a long time, looking up at the trees and the sky. When I finally peeked in the stroller I noticed that the baby had dropped her toy. It was her favorite toy, or else I would’ve just kept going.
So we turned around and backtracked, this time scanning the sidewalk for the fuzzy giraffe.
And then I stepped on it. Not the giraffe, a manhole cover that had the words “FORGIVE YOURSELF” spray-painted across it in huge white letters. Seriously.
I stepped right over it 5 minutes earlier, but Willow dropped her giraffe.
We walked for another hour or so before packing up the stroller to drive home. On the way home, stopped at a red light, I caught a glance at a new billboard to my right.
I think it was an advertisement for a non-profit that helps with adoption, but I can’t be sure.
It said, “You will have a baby sooner than you think”.
Maybe you’d like to try asking for a sign next time you want a little guidance?