Are you wondering if the characteristics of the relationship you are in are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship? Do you feel unsure, afraid, confused about the relationship?
This article outlines recognisable signs of emotionally abusive relationships and explains why it is important to identify characteristics that are harmful to you and symptomatic of an unhealthy relationship based on exploitation and manipulation.
How Can I Recognise the Signs of Relationship Abuse?
Recognising the signs of an emotionally abusive marriage or partnership is the first step towards identifying the harm that is occurring to you within such a relationship. This can be difficult as an effect of an emotionally abusive relationship is to lessen your capacity to judge objectively and to be assertive once realization begins.
How Can I Know I’m in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
One of the most telling indicators as to whether you are in a marriage or partnership that is abusive, is to realize that you have lost your own sense of self. If you reflect back to the person you were, prior to the relationship, and can recognise how you have lost your sense of fun, ambition, confidence, adventure, drive, personal interests, friends, you may well be suffering from the effects of emotional abuse.
I know this because this was me. In my own situation, I was very slow to identify and accept that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. The memories of love bombing, spoiling, public adoration in the early years remained strong in my mind. When doubts started to niggle, my mind was very busy protecting my ego, reminding me of the early “joy” – the recurring hopeful signs, downplaying the signs of relationship abuse that were becoming clearer and clearer as my then husband became more deceitful and aggressive. My sense of pride in not wanting to admit to such a calamitous mistake probably added years of unnecessary suffering. I did not want to accept that I had been set up, exploited financially and personally, humiliated, or manipulated into a whole range of decisions that would ultimately benefit my abuser.
What are the Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Romantic Relationship?
Every victim will not experience every commonly recognised sign of emotional abuse. You may have experienced some or all, and others that are not listed here. At times a particular form of abuse might dominate. When that diminishes, it is easy to be tricked into thinking things are improving. Conversely new techniques of abuse will emerge, as the perpetrator needs new ways to assert their power or coerce you into doing what they want.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes the victim to self-doubt as the abuser constantly undermines what the victim has said by denying something happening, twisting the scenarios, or the emphasis. Commonly, the victim starts to question themselves with repeated put-down comments such as “You say that all the time” or “You’re so sensitive”. Aggression can add fear to the experience of wondering whether the event was as remembered. A statement such as “I did not do that” stated loudly and fiercely, or in threatening proximity, is intimidating and frightening, all clear signs of emotional abuse.
Criticism
Criticism is a technique used by perpetrators of emotional abuse to put down the victim and buoy up the sense of self-importance of the abuser. The criticism might pertain to appearance, friends and family, ability to carry out tasks (another excuse for them taking control). Criticism of a victim sexually, is a pervasive and particularly damaging sign of relationship abuse.
Blaming
Abusers commonly fail to take responsibility for their actions. If your partner comes home and rants about the inadequacies of others, take it as a helpful clue for your own detection of the subtle blaming that might be being directed towards you. Be wary of the partner who blames you for mishaps with the children, household management, shared workplace, failure in the wider family or social set, and especially in an unhappy sexual relationship.
Dismissiveness
You might be subjected to silence, belittling of your own interests and activities, or put-down comments that allow no room for discussion if you try to raise issues about your abusive relationship. Aggression and volume can also be used as weapons to dismiss your viewpoint, but other actions designed to dismiss the victim’s viewpoint such as eye-rolling, smart-alec grinning can occur in silence.
Humiliation
Humiliation can be achieved through any of the above methods or by maligning you in public settings. One of the first friends I trusted with my own fears, told me of how shocked she was at hearing my husband mock me in front of them, a definitive sign of relationship abuse. The shock for me was that I had absorbed such behavior without objecting. Again, pride and fear kept me from calling out this hurtful behavior.
About the Author
Amy Johnson, PhD is a psychologist, coach, author, and speaker who shares a groundbreaking new approach that helps people find lasting freedom from unwanted habits, anxiety, and self-doubt via insight rather than willpower.
She is the author of Being Human, The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit, and Just a Thought: A No-Willpower Approach to End Self-Doubt and Make Peace with Your Mind. In 2017 she opened The Little School of Big Change, an online school that has helped thousands of people find freedom from anxiety and habits and live a more peaceful life.
Amy also shares the no-willpower approach in her top-rated podcast, Changeable, and she’s trained over 70 coaches in her Change Coach Training Program. She has been a regularly featured expert on The Steve Harvey Show and Oprah.com, as well as in The Wall Street Journal and Self magazine.
