How to Experience Emotional Control?
One of my favorite Quotes is “ If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” Sydney Banks.
I share this quote because of how I have related to emotions throughout life. I was mostly fearful of my emotions. As a teenager and young adult, I was terrified for anyone to see my shame, anger, pain, and hurt. I also felt as though my emotions ran me instead of me controlling my emotions. When I would experience heavy emotions and react, I would than feel shame and be self-critical for having this experience. Now, as a middle aged woman, I have more understanding and less fear but still experience moments of emotional overwhelm (I am in the middle of menopause). I have come to understand this is part of the human experience. We don’t need to be afraid of our experiences and we gain more emotional control when we accept this is part of our design.
How to Experience Emotional Control by Understanding the Purpose of Emotions
To experience emotional control, I believe it helps to understand the purpose of emotions. The purpose or function of emotions is to provide us with feedback about what stories our mind is spinning for us about a current situation, our past and/or our future.
Our mind is the best story teller and the stories have a wide range and depth to them. They can go from stories of joy, excitement and adventure to stories full of fear, danger and self-doubt and of course everything in between.
Our mind is doing the job it is meant to do and the emotions are sharing when the mind has gotten over complicated and elaborate on the story telling end of things. Emotions are simply a compass for where our mind is pointing. Emotional control comes in by understanding this and then looking to see the truth through the story.
For example, one pregnant person can feel elated and excited to find out they are having a baby. This is a dream come true for them and their family. Another woman can experience the complete opposite of this. They can feel fear, isolation, and self-doubt and well as judgments from others. The only difference is the personal story their minds’ have told them about this situation. When we take a pause and look to see if these stories resonate with our heart and truth, that is when you can regain control of your emotions.
Understanding the Difference Between Emotional Control and Managing Emotions
When clients ask me how to control emotions, I have an alarm bell go off. They are really asking me how they can direct the flow of their emotions in a way where they ultimately never feel uncomfortable. As a coach, I understand this is not realistic. We are going to experience a wide range of emotions throughout life and not all are comfortable.
Managing our experience of emotions feels more accurate and attainable to me personally and as a coach. Managing emotions takes self-awareness and this comes from being curious about what is happening internally. When we take a pause and slow down, we can look and see what is occurring in our inner world. Much of the time, we look externally to see where things are off course or on course. Than we decide if we are okay or not okay. This takes control away from us and puts it outside ourselves. External is never the deciding factor for our well-being. Understanding this can help you manage your emotional well-being.
Does Emotional Control or Managing Your Emotional Well-Being Mean you Don’t Experience Heavy Emotions?
I had a client state she was afraid when we starting our coaching session. I asked her to elaborate and she explained that she was afraid if we spoke about her negative emotions they would take her out like a tidal wave. Her mind had told her that the feelings she had were dangerous and should be avoided. I had compassion and understood her desire to control the emotions.
When it comes to heavier emotions we believe they are more dangerous and unsafe. Our natural inclination in coping or surviving is to move to safety and it looks like controlling our emotions will bring us back to safety.
What is interesting is that our mind has a different rule for light emotions such as happy, joy, and excitement. The mind tells us these as safe feelings. Yet they are just as fluid and every changing as the heavy emotions. Neither or safe or unsafe but the mind likes to label as part of the function.
Emotions are always changing like the weather. Just like a hurricane, you can experience an intense storm and know there is an end. You will not be stuck in a hurricane or tornado forever. The storm clouds move on just as you will always move back to settled. We just forget in those intense moments of weathering a storm.
This understanding has helped me manage my emotions through menopause and the rapid mood changes. Does not mean some days are not harder than others? This means there is more clarity that these moods will shift and lighten up. And like waves in an ocean they are always constant. I can float and ride the waves or I can fight the waves.
What Does Emotional Well-Being Look Like?
Emotional well-being looks like being curious about your emotions while being compassionate that you are having a human experience.
Emotional well-being is having an idea of how your mind and thoughts impact the flow of your emotions and this means nothing about who you are. It is simply the human design.
Emotional well-being is slowing down, listening within, and honoring your truth.
Emotional well-being is allowing space for the uncomfortable and knowing you will move through.
Emotional well-being is listening to your physical self and following healthy actions to help support you through emotional shifts. Examples can be yoga, exercise, social engagement, reading, writing, and whatever is unique to your voice of well-being.
Emotional well-being is having the understanding that you are safe even if you are experiencing heavy or uncomfortable emotions. To be clear, this is not to dismiss your intuition when you are in an uncomfortable situation.
Understanding Emotions with Dr. Amy Johnson
Amy Johnson is a psychologist and Change Coach who helps people find freedom from anxiety, habits, insecurity and low self-esteem. She has written several books and leads live courses and group coaching.
Amy Johnson helps find freedom from anxiety through insight and wisdom, not willpower.
One of Amy Johnson’s most popular books is The Little Book of Big Change, about the principles behind the human experience. The Little Book of Big Change shares a unique approach to healing anxiety, worry and insecurity. The Little Book of Big Change will help you understand what is at the root of your anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-destructive habits.
About the Author
Dawn Krieger is a certified Change Coach.
You can see more about Dawn and her coaching services here.
