In the newsletter a few weeks back I told you was reading a book called The Shadow Effect. “Shadow work” is relatively common in the self-help world…it’s about delving into and coming to fully embrace your shadow parts. 
Your shadow parts are similar to what you might think of as flaws or faults but that’s the whole point….they’re not flawed. You’re not flawed. You simply have light and dark, just like everything in the Universe.
Without dark you wouldn’t know light and that’s not just cliché. Think about it—if everyone was always good, it’d be kind of freaky, wouldn’t it?
We wouldn’t even know them as “good” or appreciate the positive. Contrast is what makes the positive possible.
So anyway, you have shadow parts. And it’s in your best interest to get to know them and come to love and accept them as a totally okay and valid part of you.
What we resist persists, so when you try to hide the fact that you’re gay, for example, you get caught having sex with men in airport bathrooms. When you try to always appear perfect, you end up anorexic.
The shadow will come out and it deserves to; there’s nothing wrong with it. So it’s always smart to let it out on your own terms.
To me, the most important reason to accept your shadow isn’t because it’ll come out and screw you if you don’t. It’s because as long as you lie to yourself about your shadow, you’ll never be able to trust your own judgment.
You’ll never be able to truly appreciate your awesomeness because you’ll think you can’t be trusted. Since you can’t accept your shadow, you’ll wonder if you can really accept your virtues.
I constantly talk to people who are hesitant to accept their awesomeness. We’ve all been there.
This is why.
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This is a great post – something the Yin Yang concept identified years ago but so few people are willing to accept and appreciate both sides of themselves.
I truly believe in finding the positive in everything, but this not not mean denying the negative. On the contrary, it means embracing it. As you said Amy, by acknowledging the dark side, we get to see the contrast and fully appreciate the light side!
Accepting yourself is for most, a long-term project that means accepting all sides of yourself, on your own terms, loving every aspect of yourself and seeing it as a window of opportunity to appreciate what makes you unique and what makes you you. If you acknowledge the dark side, you can appreciate the light side…and work on developing it!
You’re right Emma, it is a looong, ongoing project. I like that way of looking at it–like an ongoing project with no end or finish line or pass/fail, just something we always chip away at throughout life. Thanks for sharing!
melissa: you took the words right outta my mouth. (no, i am not about to break out in 80s hairband song&dance; although that can totally be arranged.) i was raised by very encouraging & loving parents too, yet i am also riddled with people-pleasing & self-deprecating tendencies…which at times have been physically impairing & almost life-threatening.
your “weird” analysis is spot-on. i have no answer for how we came out this way. i guess it’s just in our hardwiring. it sucks, but like you, i have been working on “embracing my shadows” and realizing that they are necessary in order for the light inside of me to shine through.
like amy said, the light isn’t even visible without the shadows. you gotta have dark in order for bright to exist.
amy: trusting myself has been a huge thing with me. when i was all “ugh i hate my shadows,” i had no idea who i was. because i was rejecting parts of me that were PARTS of ME. i therefore suffered from all kinds of identity/self-confidence issues, which, as you can imagine, led to a whole bunch of other crap.
to quote melissa, i am freakin’ awesome, damnit! (we both are.)
you too, amy. (i guess.)
😉
You ARE freakin’ awesome too! Not to encourage y’all’s approval seeking or anything…
I don’t know that I’ve done any real work regarding my shadow-side…but I certainly am doing better all the time letting go of my ridiculously self-depricating tendencies. The funny thing is, I was raised by parents who were without exception very encouraging and loving…so how did I end up so obnoxiously people-pleasing and modest-to-the-point-of-paralysis?
Weird.
Anyway, at least I see it now and am actively nipping my negative self-talk in the bud at every opportunity. Because I am freakin’ awesome, damnit! (There see I wrote it and I’m leaving it there…progress! hahaha!!)
You ARE freakin’ awesome! There, now it’s not just you tooting your own horn. You officially have “approval” 🙂