She hadn’t been in touch with that true nature as of late—she felt far from her inherent well-being and instead experienced a blanket of heavy thought.
We talked about how her innate wellness was only covered by that thought-blanket. We talked about how her heavy thoughts appeared real and impermeable but that they were actually flimsy and always changing.
We discussed how although it felt to her like moments of peace were the exception and not the rule, the opposite was actually true. She might be experiencing a lot of pain these days, but that pain is biased and superficial, not the “real her” at all. The “real her” was the brief moments of peace she experienced between thought.
After a bit of time and few particularly tough days, she needed a refresher. She asked me:
“What is my default position, again? What does it feel like, look like, sound like? I think I forgot.”
Here was my response:
“It’s impossible to capture in words, but it’s the knowing that all is well. Anything or nothing can be happening around you (you often notice it, in fact, when you’re doing something insignificant like unloading groceries or making dinner), you’re just…at peace. For me, it’s a feeling of peace and a knowing that all is well no matter what happens. Deeply, fundamentally, wellness is a given and it can’t possibly be any other way.
It’s not happiness or joy necessarily; it’s more an underlying feeling of peace and tranquility. The mental chatter and clutter in your mind have died down and you simply feel like you’re okay. Or you notice some beautiful nature and flip into that awe-filled perspective where you realize how beautiful the world around you is. Or I get it when I have nothing much on my mind and my 18 month old grabs my hand. Everything else just melts around you and you are fully present in that one, insignificant moment, realizing how significant the insignificant moments actually are.
A lot of people experience it when they are falling in love because you get that sense of the world around you sort of fading into the background and you’re incredibly present with the person you love. Boundaries are faded and you’re together. Things that were once boring are suddenly exciting (I remember being so excited to take a 4 hour car ride with my husband when we were first dating…we just took one and it wasn’t quite as fun.)
So, impossible to explain as it is, it is peace, mostly. And knowing you’re okay. Not too high, definitely not low, just being. Presence.”
She replied and said that yes, she definitely knows that feeling. She promised to look for it that day, despite the blanket of thought that lay on top.
You know it too, right?