How One Woman Saw A New Truth

The beautiful piece below was written by a former client of mine. She, like all of us, is on learning curve in seeing how things work. At times her learning curve has been steep; other times a bit more flat. But she’s fully in this conversation, looking with curiosity and hope toward what there is to see about her very human experience.  seeing

And, she is seeing. 

She writes about seeing things through her binge eating, but it’s all the same. There is nothing special about binge eating, just as there is nothing special about anxiety, criticism, heroin, spending money, or anything human beings do or feel when they experience discomfort. 

Feel free to substitute your own thing. As she shows you below, it’s all the same. It’s all thought. It all boils down to being human. 

*******

Thought creates the world then says: “I didn’t do it.” — David Bohm, physicist

A thought in me causes a feeling in me. I don’t like the feeling. I want the feeling to go away. I eat. A lot. It dulls the feeling. Next morning my body is sick. I feel awful. I tell myself it’s because I binge.  If I don’t want to feel sick I must stop binge eating.  I think incessantly about how to stop bingeing.  I plan, I strategize, I swear solemn oaths to myself. I abstain.

Until:

A thought in me causes a feeling in me. I don’t like the feeling. I want the feeling to go away. I eat. A lot.  It dulls the feeling. Next morning my body is sick. I feel awful. I tell myself it’s because I binge. If I don’t want to feel sick I must stop binge eating.   I think incessantly about how to stop bingeing. I plan, I strategize, I swear solemn oaths to myself.   I abstain.

I repeat the above for 30 years.

Until –

I see.

The thought can’t hurt me. The feeling it creates can’t hurt me. I don’t have to bear it and I don’t have to resist it and I don’t have to replace it and I don’t have to beat it.

Most of all —  I don’t have to do what it says.

I can simply ignore it.  So I abstain.

Until –

I don’t see.

Then –

A thought in me causes a feeling in me. I don’t like the feeling. I want the feeling to go away. I eat. A lot.  It dulls the feeling. Next morning my body is sick. I feel awful.

But –

I no longer tell myself it’s because I binge.

It’s because I think.

Thought objects, says:  “No sir.  Not me. Bingeing did it.  You feel awful because you binge.”

I don’t buy it.

I know what happened now.

I fell for the oldest trick in the book.  The one called:  Being Human.

Thought will create my world and then deny it for as long as I’m alive here, in this time, in this place.  There’s only one way to never be tricked and nothing’s worth it.

I don’t pray for my binge eating to end anymore. I don’t want anything to end.

I only want to commute the sentences of the wrongly accused over and over as long as I live.

My prayer now is simply to see.

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