I’m beginning to think all anxiety in life comes from wanting to control things. 
Me and anxiety are pretty tight. I’ve been on all sides: coaching hundreds of people through it, coaching myself through it, and before all that, being home-bound and debilitated from it.
And my decades of “research” are pointing to one single underlying cause: control. That’s what I think it all boils down to.
Think about the things you think cause your anxiety. Make a quick list.
Your list might include things like money, time pressure, fearful thinking, too much coffee, too much stress.
I agree that all of these things trigger anxiety. But there’s something deeper.
Your thoughts (which are optional, by the way) are deeper. Of course. But I’m not talking about any old thoughts. I’m talking about thoughts about controlling things.
Anytime you think things should be or need to be or that it would be really, really nice if things were different than they are, part of you is trying to control.
And that’s what causes all anxiety, in my opinion. Thinking about the past doesn’t cause anxiety…unless we’re wishing things had been different.
And thinking about the future doesn’t create anxiety…unless we’re mentally playing out how it has to look.
And thinking about the present…well, you get the idea.
When we start to surrender to what is and let go of the need to control, anxiety lets go of us. Just like that.
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But it’s a balancing act, right? Acceptance is great, but when we have goals, we need to try to exert some control over things to keep heading toward those controls. If just accepting the way things are is always a good thing, we’d still have slavery (okay extreme example…ha!)
Whether it’s a personal or a societal change that we feel passionately about…that it needs changing, then we have to work to control things (and yes, usually get anxious and stressed). But really isn’t that a part of life…sometimes a good and invigorating part of life?
Obviously sitting around stewing in worry about the present and the past (especially the past) is useless and a bad form of stress…but seeing that you need to exert control over your future can be a really good (albeit stressful) thing!
Great points Melissa 🙂
Actually, slavery was totally about Control, wasn’t it? Without the desire to Control others it wouldn’t have happened to begin with. As far as ending it, the anti-slavery camp had no real Control over the slave owners. Influence, maybe. They could out-smart them, or out-muscle them, but I don’t think anyone can really Control another person.
Maybe its more a semantic issue than anything…I totally agree with you that setting intentions, working toward them, taking action, and making things happen are all very good. But I don’t think they require Control. I wouldn’t call any of them Control and I actually think Control interferes and makes what you want LESS likely to happen.
For example, you could set an intention to end hunger in your community and work your ass off toward that end. But ultimately, you can’t control it. You can’t control whether people actually eat the food you give them or whether they trade it for alcohol. You’re not in control because God/Universe/other people are involved.
I don’t think anxiety or stress is part of the process. They interfere with the process.
I love your comments and love the discussion….thanks!!
i’ve run out of “agreement” words to use for your posts.
amen, preach, touche, heard that…etc. you get the idea.
but seriously, this post says it all in a very concise, straightforward, and keep-it-simple-stupid manner. love it. couldn’t have said it better myself.
i just WISH i could think of something BETTER to say in this comment.
just kidding; proving your control = anxiety point 😉
Wow! That is an excellent observation!! It really does all boil down to control. Of course, knowing that and changing habitual thinking patterns are two different things! ( ; But we all need a starting point to make a change.